mon, may 25th 26

it's been 2 days since i came home for break, and about 2 weeks since my last final. i thought i'd be more sad seeing as i only have one year left of undergrad. but im actually ok? like, i think life will be even better once i graduate and i start my big girl job. when i overthink it, i start to worry about what my life will look like a year from now. who will still be here? who will i be? what will have happened to me? things change so quickly. i know that's cliche, but this year is the first time ive really felt it. things change, people change. nothing is certain, and in a sense that freaks me out but also comforts me.

buddha says the root of all suffering is attachment. i think i kinda get it now. i dont want to be attached to anything or anyone. i just want to be happy where i am, right now.

i think this will help me when im down. i just have to let go. and not in a defeated way but in a like trusting way. like i know i'll be okay anyways.

i wonder the person i'd be if i were medicated.

tues, may 26th 26

octave please stop emailing me. i don't have money for help.

there's so much beauty in the world. im trying so hard to cling to it.

i am worthy of being appreciated and cherished. abadonment is just a small part of my story, not my identity.

wed, may 27th 26

flight attendant

event planner

human resources

- benefits

- hris

- talent acq

house manager

massage therapist

data analyst

dentistry

writer

director

actor

florist

yoga instructor

fri, may 29th 26

i'm watching girls. i fucking hateeeeee adam. like why do people like him. i was so surprised to see ppl (on tumblr esp, but ig tumblr's full of weird ppl w rlly weird takes) like him. actually love him??? i mean adam driver's an amazing actor, he rlly knows the character but holy... he triggers me so bad. and i feel like the show is way too nice to him. they try to make us kinda like him by the end but i just cant. i hate that scene in the first season where he pees on hannah in the shower. she's so obviously uncomfortable i mean she is SCREAMING and telling him to STOP and he LAUGHS AT IT. he JOKES ABOUT IT AFTER???? i dont like how we make this so normal. THIS IS NOT NORMAL THIS IS LITERALLY RAPE CULTURE.

on another note, i do love the lesbian b plot between marnie and jessa. marnie should've been LESBIAN!!!! but i love her character sm. i used ot hate her first watch but honestly, she's so relatable. like its actually funny/embarassing how much i understand her. first watch i couldn't stand her; its crazy how much my perspective has changed in less than a year. and hannah too. omg shes so annoying. but lena dunham rlly knows how to write.

i go on walks now w/ my friend. i love her sm. she's the highlight of my day, honestly. she keeps me sane, im sad she's leaving in a week. im so incredibly nervous abt the summer, but its just three months. i can do this. what happens after is not my present right now there's nothing i can do abt what's not right in front of me in this moment. my mantra.

sat, may 30th 26

i played pickle ball today w/ friends! it went well. ive never played before, and i met a new friend. i hope we get to hang out more over the break. im rlly excited! im proud of myself for putting myself out there more. hoping i don't lose momentum :).

thurs, jun 11th 26

when young women posts tik toks carousels of the picture-perfect high school couple, the stereotypical 7 pm football games, and the oversaturated beach day photos and caption it "the life i was promised" i know i am not the target audience. growing up watching coming-of-age teen movies centered around primarily a white cast (maybe theres an irrelevant black character maybe not) i knew better than to watch those movies with my life in mind. i knew, innately, it would idiotic and downright embarassing to expect my teen years to be anything like sixteen wishes or the cast of victorious. these stories were not made for kids like me in mind. because to be frank, a movie that consisted of a bullied, overweight and painfully socially anxious child wishing away in her bedroom (with whom she shared with her mom and sister, and dad when he was still around) to be anything other than what she was just wouldnt sell. unless she does become what she wished for, like 13 going on 30. even then, most of that movie isnt her real life. its a dream. my biggest, wildest dream at 13 was to be loved, and happy. i couldnt care less about a football game.